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So here . . . I am a failure

by Christine Haynes

I’m a failure and I am totally OK with that!  No really, I am. I wasn’t at first but now… I have come to terms with the fact that I’m…a failure.

These things happen and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all can’t be successful at everything we do. Or, maybe we can be successful at some things and a successful failure at other things. So, instead of getting all up in my feelings, I am just going to embrace my success at failing.

I started Christine in Progress (C.I.P) all the way back in 2012 as a way to chronicle my health and wellness journey and hopefully inspire some people along the way. (You can get a better glimpse into what prompted that by reading my post, I am living in a place of gratitude.)

I was doing really great. I mean REALLY GREAT!!!  I successfully transitioned from a lifetime meat lover to a Vegan!! I even embraced the fully raw lifestyle!  I went from loving sleep to flipping tires at 5 am!! From drinking gallons of coffee to blending smoothies! And I lost over 70lbs in the process!!  In addition to getting control over a chronic illness, high blood pressure, and leaving the borderline diabetic zone, I was motivated, I was inspired and I was… out of my mind obsessed and focused on sticking to “the program.” It’s amazing the lengths one will go to when their life is on the line. I don’t regret it at all. It was absolutely necessary to be all or nothing in this process. My dad always told me don’t ever do anything half-assed… so, I put my full ass into it! :) Seriously, I was sick, I was tired, I was scared, and I was in a position where cutting corners was not an option, period.

I was fully committed to the process for just about three years, give or take. Yep, I said, “Was.” Did you notice that? You, my friend are very observant. Was. I was completely and totally obsessive-compulsive level committed to the entire process. No excuses, no pain, no gain…. Blah, blah, blah all that.

Then…LIFE got in the way.

I work a day job, although early on I was working a day job, running a successful business and teaching at a local college all at the same time. Because of my health issues at the time, I had to let the business go and take a break from teaching. I’m married (though my husband is perfectly capable of caring for himself) I’m just saying… I’m married and there are things that go along with that… like responsibilities and whatnot. We have two daughters at home who also have lives and their lives have quickly become our lives. Our youngest is a gymnast, a singer, and a very cute, very active 10-year-old. And our 15-year old is a smart, beautiful, philanthropist running her own charitable organization, who dabbles in art and is a track star on the rise. Oh, and let’s not forget their super important social obligations.  *insert sarcastic face here*

There were tons of “changes” going on at the day job and it was quite frankly, very freaking stressful up in there! Time became less and less available, my focus was suddenly all over the place and honestly, let me just come right out and say it, people… I got a little lazy.

In the beginning, I was so sure I could do it all!  I could take care of me, them, as well as everyone and everything in between!  If you let me tell it, I was super woman!  Slowly, I started to put myself on the back burner for every other priority in my life. Before I knew it, I looked up and realized I had not been to the gym, on a hike, walk or to a yoga class in like “forever.” Hell, I had a pile of exercise DVDS’s in my entertainment thingy that suddenly started collecting dust!

I was still eating pretty healthy, drinking juices and smoothies here and there but not every day. Fresh fruits and salads were still on the menu but I was definitely not eating as healthy as I could be. Truth be told, there are unhealthy vegan foods, lots of them… trust me, I know. Gingersnaps, for example, I love them things and they are vegan (Nabisco brand). Doesn’t make them healthy!  French fries are also quite vegan… again… doesn’t make them healthy!  There are also a host of “convenience” foods that are totally vegan and in a time crunch, they are quick and easy to grab but… yea… Just saying.

The only constant, my daily meditation practice. I think I keep that in my life because honestly, meditation keeps me from killing everyone!  I’m just kidding about the desire to kill people thing. No killing!  Flipping off, maybe… so yea meditation… that shit keeps me calm!   Yay meditation!

Then… the scale broke… or…something.

I looked up or, down at the scale one day and realized I gained more than 20lbs!  Like 22.5 and rising! What?!?!  How the (****) did that happen? *Looking around asking no one, in particular.* UGH!!  Seriously?!  I mean in hindsight, I totally saw that coming. I mean HELLOOO!!!!   Sigh.

This sucks! 

I got a little down on myself. No one is harder on me than me. Over the course of a few weeks, I had many unproductive talks with myself. It just made matters worse and I become completely unmotivated. Completely. Unmotivated. As in, not motivated. Couch dweller. Comfort food seeker. I would rather do anything than deal with the issue at hand so I am going to avoid it. You get the hint.

So, I stopped blogging about it. Because, well… I was embarrassed. I mean, I put all my bizznass out there! And people were really cheering me on. It was great! I often heard things like, “Yay go Christine you are an inspiration, if you can do it I can do it too!”  And, “I don’t know how you do it all I am so inspired by you.”  And here I am talking about, “You just have to make your health a priority.”  “If you don’t take care of yourself how can you take care of everyone else?”  “Make time for it!”  Oh and this one is a classic, “If it’s important you will make time if it’s not, you will make excuses!”  You get it… I was pouring and drinking all that really good cool aide.

People were so committed to my success, that they not only cheered me on, they joined me. There were friends, coworkers, and perfect strangers and followers of my blog, who were getting on the juicing wagon and even trying meatless Mondays, it was great! It was a movement!  I was part of this movement!  But then the movement kept going without me. I couldn’t keep up with the movement.

No, I didn’t gain ALL the weight back but I didn’t keep all the weight off either. How could I continue sharing my epic health and wellness journey when in reality I was struggling to keep up with myself and the pounds were slowly sneaking back on?  I was so embarrassed!  I felt like this was a colossal public failure. Granted, I am not Oprah so it’s not like it was all that public. But it was public enough for me and I just felt sad about it.

So, here’s the other thing… 

S*@# happens!  And we need to get over it!  It’s called life! I am a real life person living you know… life! Yes, I was totally and completely devastated by the setback. But, that is exactly what it was, a setback. People have set backs every single day. We don’t need to call the National Guard to come handle it, we learn from it. That’s called progress.

The good news, I have not had any health issues in quite some time. I can’t remember the last time I was really sick other than a cold. In the grand scheme of things what’s the big deal, I gained a few pounds. OK, so what?! I can also lose them if I so desire.

It’s about the progress! 

After a much-needed eye-opening talk and come to Jesus moment with a very good friend I discovered something really awesome. In essence, what Christine in Progress is all about is… the exact definition of the word progress:


noun/ ˈpräɡres/

  1. 1. Forward or onward movement toward a destination.

Synonyms: forward movement, advance, going, progression, headway, passage

Christine in Progress is about the constant and ever-changing progression of life, my life. Yes, it was started as a way to chronicle my health and wellness journey but maybe it’s about so much more, it’s about life in motion life’s adventures, the success, the failures and all the stuff in between.

So, I’ve decided to try something new. Instead of beating myself up because something didn’t work out quite as planned I will celebrate the successful failures of my life’s journey. There is a lesson to learn in every experience. This time around, I learned I am not superwoman and I need to be kind to myself, take it one day at a time and celebrate every moment especially the successful failures!

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

My name is Christine and I am an expert in the area of “progress management.”  :)  I am also a successful failure! I am a mom who sometimes doesn’t know what the hell she is doing but my children love me anyway. I am a wife that is not perfect but perfectly made for him. I am a really good friend, I am a worker bee, I am a funny girl, I am a drama queen, I am a writer,  I am an amazing shower singer, I hate walnuts, I love red lipstick and I love a good vanilla soy chai latte! (With 6 pumps of Vanilla, extra hot!!)

I am just a woman who is trying to live a healthy, whole balanced life. Sure, I’m stumbling around trying to figure out what that looks like for me but, that’s OK. Aren’t we all just stumbling around trying to figure things out?  I hope you will continue to join me in this judgment-free zone as I continue to share my journey toward a destination.

Welcome to Christine in Progress, destination… forward!


Christine is a Mom | Wife | Blogger | Progress Manager| Finding her healthy balance while sharing life lessons and occasional adventures. #judgment-free zone

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Twitter: @ThisisCIP