Category Archives: Divorce Corner

Divorce Corner: Dear Cynthia

by Cynthia Battino

Broken heart

In this column Cynthia will answer your emotionally based and general questions about divorce. Cynthia is a life coach and energy worker who specializes in working with people considering or going through divorce.

Dear Cynthia:

I have been married for ten years and have two young children. I am unhappy in my marriage as my husband travels a lot for his work. I feel like a single mom and am lonely. I would rather have a spouse who is home more and can be a true partner in both our marriage and parenting. How do I know if I should get a divorce? Signed – Unhappy and Alone Mom

Dear Unhappy & Alone Mom:

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with your marriage. When you have been married for this long, it is normal to hit the wall of complacency. Before you do anything drastic I have a few things for you to consider: 1) Have you and your husband done any marriage/couples counseling? That would be the first step. 2) Are you 100% sure that you would be happier without your husband than with your husband? If you can’t immediately answer this as a “Yes,” go back to #1. 3) Are you absolutely sure that you are ready to deal with all of the pain, messiness and trauma that will come with divorce without guilt? Again, if you can’t immediately answer “Yes,” go back to #1. You, your husband, and your children deserve for both of you to fight for your marriage.

Dear Cynthia:

 I think that my wife is cheating on me. I have found texts and emails to other men that make me believe she is being unfaithful. I’ve also looked at her phone records and found numbers that don’t match any of our friends or family. We had an agreement that if either of us were caught cheating, we would end the marriage. I am angry and want out. How do I go about catching her cheating so that I don’t have to pay as much to her in our divorce? Signed – Husband of a Cheater

Dear Husband of a Cheater:

It sounds like you have reason to believe that your wife might be unfaithful. Unfortunately, to prove that she is cheating is a very costly process. I rarely recommend that my clients hire Private Investigators to prove that their spouse is cheating (because that is what you will have to do – to get audio and video proof). There is not only the financial cost, but there is an emotional cost to consider. I have known people to pay tens of thousands of dollars just to prove their spouse is cheating – and never got enough evidence. But the little they do learn tears them to pieces emotionally.

I would suggest that first you try marital counseling. There is usually a need that is not being met within your relationship which has made your wife feel the need to reach out to another person. If you have tried counseling and it hasn’t accomplished enough or if you are truly angry and want out, then I recommend you hire a great attorney and move forward with separation and divorce. Find a woman that will be faithful and true.


Cynthia Battino is a Life Coach, Healer & Separation/Divorce Specialist, author and speaker. Her company, Transformational Healing, specializes in working with people going through life crisis, specifically separation/divorce. She has written a healthy divorce workbook, You Were In Love, Once Upon A Time, which you can find on her website: www.transform-heal.com.

 

Don’t Let The Ashley Madison Scandal Ruin Your “Happy” Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

By Cynthia Battino

Looking at the Grey in the “WHY?”

secretsThis is the second part of a two article series about the Ashley Madison Scandal. Last week we looked at how to deal with being blindsided with information about your partner. This article will look at the grey areas surrounding the “why” it happened. The goal for both articles is to help you make decisions to move forward from a place of clarity and not anger or fear.

“WHY?”

Ok. They did it. They admitted to it. The age-old question is “Why did they do it?” I wish I could give you a black and white answers, but there are none. There is no good guy and bad guy here. If you look at people and partnerships that way, you will sabotage this and future relationships.

Sexuality

We are a puritanistic bunch in the United States with regard to sex and sexuality. (I have hope that this is changing due to the success to 50 Shades of Grey and Magic Mike). With these conservative views, we tend to judge those that stray from missionary and vanilla appetites. Most religions back these strict beliefs. Sexuality isn’t discussed between parents and children in an accepting, open and loving way. We can easily hurt, damage and traumatize the people that we love based on our own sexual beliefs.

When we marry someone that has drastically different sexual boundaries than our own, it can create a recipe for disaster. The one that has greater appetites is judged as a deviant, sick, twisted, or abnormal. Due to shame and guilt, the person will go underground to have their needs met in other ways.

Is there a way to not bring shame to your partner for being different than you? Of course. Is there a way to compromise and not have your partner not be happy or go underground to find happiness? Yes. Is there a way to bring your beliefs closer, your boundaries with regard to sex closer, and find more acceptance and flow in your sexual relationship? Of course. It just takes an open mind and lots of work.

Cheating & Taking Responsibility

In my work and study, I have found an understanding around “cheating.” I am not saying that it is acceptable behavior. What I mean is that usually when one person strays – even just in the cyber or emotional sense – it is because there are needs that aren’t being met in their relationship (and not only sexually).

Here are some basic reasons why a partner might choose to look for attention and comfort in another place:

Complacency – one or both of you has given up. “It’s not that bad” is the mantra inside your head.

Unhappiness – lots of arguing that has gone on for days/months/years. Usually it’s the same arguments over and over with no true resolution.

No communication – the only talking that happens is about work or the kids. Discussions like goals, dreams, longings, sexual pleasure are a thing of the past or never occurred.

A lack of acceptance – of the whole person – the good and not so good. There is a need to change and control both parties versus acceptance.

Emotional abandonment – a lack of caring or consideration. There is lonely when you are single. But there’s nothing worse than feeling alone when you are in a relationship.

Physical abandonment – this can mean a lot of business travel. It can mean a lot of time with friends and family and not as a couple or family. It can mean moving out of the same bedroom.

These issues are a two-way street. It took both of you to get here. Here’s the good news. All of these issues can be changed. All you need is the right guidance and a willingness to put the boxing gloves on and fight for your partnership.

I hope you choose to fight before giving up and walking away. There is no black and white to life – let alone relationship.


Cynthia Battino is a Life Coach, Healer & Separation/Divorce Specialist, author and speaker. Her company, Transformational Healing, specializes in working with people going through life crisis, specifically separation/divorce. She has written a healthy divorce workbook, You Were In Love, Once Upon A Time, which you can find on her website: www.transform-heal.com.

 

Don’t Let The Ashley Madison Scandal Ruin Your “Happy” Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

By Cynthia Battino

secretsMarriages, lives, and relationships were shattered when Ashley Madison’s site was hacked and names and addresses were made public last week. I can only imagine the fear, anger, rage and arguments that were, and still are continuing, in households across the US. I am very sad to think about the relationships lost due to this hacking event as there is much grey area around sexuality, cheating, and taking responsibility in partnerships. Before making any drastic decisions, try to sit back and take some things into consideration.

What Now?

His or her name is on the list. It’s time to confront your partner with the information you have. They deserve the benefit of the doubt. They deserve to be faced with your knowledge and your fears.

Is It True?

There is evidence that you can no longer trust your partner. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Before you condemn them, ask these tough questions.

  • Is the Ashley Madison site accurate? Maybe not really. Email addresses were used and not verified by this site. This makes for a very untrustworthy source.
  • Is it old information? Did this happen before you two were together or during a separation? Timing is very important to examine.
  • Has information like this come to light in the past? In other words, has your partner admitted to cheating on you or others? If so, this becomes a game changer. Head straight to a professional marriage counselor. Even if it wasn’t true that they were on the site, you didn’t trust them enough not to check. You HAD to check. This means that the trust foundation of your marriage needs some severe shoring up. You both have some serious work to do.
  • Finally, if you asked them if they were really a member on this site during your partnership, and they answered yes, it is now time to work through those uncomfortable, undeniable feelings.

STOP & Feel

As a life and relationship coach, I would counsel any of you who found your partner’s name on this list to not make any drastic decisions while you are in shock and pain. I encourage you to find a safe place to explore and work through your emotions (denial, anger, rage, disappointment, frustration, and much more) and feelings of betrayal, rejection and abandonment. Before you can look at the “grey” of the “why,” these beliefs and feelings need to be heard and honored.

Journal. Talk to your best friend. Find a therapist or relationship coach. Use these venues to cry, rage, and FEEL your feelings. By letting all of these emotions come out, be heard, be valued, you can then come to a place of calm.

Seek Space

You might need some space to get through these feelings without punishing your partner or making rash decisions. Go away for a weekend with your best friend (some wine and a journal). Or take a couple of days to be alone. Maybe head to the mountains or the beach where you are fed and nurtured by mother-nature. You need to be free to scream, cry, write, wail and wallow in the “woe is me” place.

My recommendation would not be to go to your parents – unless you can go there and not share about your spouse and them being a part of the current national scandal. Once your family finds out about your spouse possibly committing this type of act against you, they will not be as willing to forgive if you decide to stay. Your family will want to protect you. Not see you in pain.

Next Week: Part 2 – Looking at the Grey in the “WHY?” Why it happened in the first place. Our goal will be to help you make decisions to move forward from a place of clarity and not anger or fear.


Cynthia Battino is a Life Coach, Healer & Separation/Divorce Specialist, author and speaker. Her company, Transformational Healing, specializes in working with people going through life crisis, specifically separation/divorce. She has written a healthy divorce workbook, You Were In Love, Once Upon A Time, which you can find on her website: www.transform-heal.com.